It’s very hard to see yourself. In fact, it’s impossible. You cannot see yourself anymore than I can see myself. It is the nature of our human eyes fixed inside our skulls that do not pivot or maneuver outside our noses.
As I’m returning to full spectrum pastel work, the self-portrait from scratch is an important practice.
The questions of truth emerge when doing a self-portrait. Shall it be realist or fantasy? Full color or monotone? Which wrinkles, which facial shapes? What weight of heft and line? How flattering do I become? Do I choose the eternal features of the soul vs. the immediate ephemeral sun-tan?
This is my first self-portrait since my marriage fell apart some years ago. I wouldn’t dare stare at myself intensely during that time of enduring trauma. Like many about-to-be-divorced women, I allowed myself to de-stress by not fussing about my vanities. And I got older during the process. The weights of the wrinkles seem to dig in with a flat edged shovel. So I had a period of no self-portrait work.
Time and healing has moved me on so now I’m publishing this self-portrait because: 1) it looks human 2) the color worked 3) there is a resemblance to me. 4) it’s a growth marker…I will compare it to future self-portraits.
Most normal people don’t spend several hours looking at themselves. Actors do for a similar reason that visual artists do: they are using the face as a format for expression. For me, I was looking at a selfie shot taken just this morning with my hair unfixed. No make-up worn either. This was a bare truth piece.
I like this first self-portrait. Life-after-trauma IS better, as so many promised. I never used to like any of my self-portraits; this made holistic sense because I felt the same about looking in the mirror. That attitude has changed with the wisdom after the struggles have eased.
Now I make better choices of what to exaggerate and what to mute into a soft background. It’s a portrait offering that says: ” I’m back to artwork, back to my home in line and color, and very ready to let the world see me as I am and who I am turning into. I can fail before an audience and I can succeed. ”
What my self-portrait says is that I’m ready to try and let you see with me.
Loved it! Love following you!